i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
