i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
