She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
