Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
