It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
