There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
