she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
