Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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