I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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