my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
