it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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