How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
