help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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