It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
