mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
