saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
