did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
