Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
