My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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