i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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