I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
