the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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