Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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