1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
