dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
