he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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