If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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