I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
