Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
