My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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