I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
