If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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