I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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