Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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