I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
