If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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