Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
