I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
