my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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