farters have to be the big spoon...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
