at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
