i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
