True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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