i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
