i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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