I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have aggressive nipples.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
