my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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