I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
