Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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