I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
